Why Did You Make Me Care?

Men. Fucking. Suck.

Especially the cute ones with smoky brown eyes and stubble on their chin. The men with curly dark hair and dimples in their cheeks, the ones with a strong voice and stronger hands. Those men. They suck, they suck so bad.

I’m not really talking about anyone specific...and that’s the sad part. Why is dating so difficult? Why do guys—or, okay people in general—ghost after getting to know someone? Why does it seem like the people who don’t ghost only want sex? Or they want sex and friendship but no commitment. It’s like they want all of the benefits of being in a relationship with none of the drawbacks.

Okay, maybe I am talking about someone specific. I’m thinking about Aakara...I’m thinking about Aakara even though I’m dating Michael. And it’s like why? Why am I still thinking about him? Why can’t I get him out of my mind? I know he treated me like garbage, and he was manipulative, and he was way way old for me...but I keep thinking about what things would be like if it, our relationship (or lack thereof), worked out differently—or how things could be if he was different.

Why is it that the one guy who makes you feel alive, the one whose text makes your day and whose touch lingers so long after he’s gone—why is he the one who wants nothing to do with you once the sun comes up?

I was thinking the other day: I’ve never seen him in broad daylight. It was always at night or sometime after dark. Is he ashamed of me? If one of his friends found out we did more than have sex, that sometimes we had long conversations in the dark and how he once begged me to stay the night because he didn’t want to be alone—would he be embarrassed? He always said he didn’t care that I danced, but...but I don’t know if I believe him. Why can’t I shake the feeling that he did care...that he used it as an excuse to treat me like a sex object (or a pillow, depending on the night). Why did he make me care about him if he was only going to push me away?

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to complain. I know I’m young and pretty and I’m dating an amazing guy...I just wish I didn’t miss the guy who made me feel amazing and shitty at the same time.