Addiction

Dear Diary,

I’ll be honest. I could barely get out of bed today. I had to tell myself to get up, move around, go to your internship even though they pay ten dollars an hour. I keep thinking about Johnny.

I hate that men have this effect on me...but it’s not just men, I have to be honest, it’s anyone I get into a relationship with. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this...it’s like I’m addicted to love. I think I was born with an inhuman need for affection.

It makes me get attached to people that I shouldn’t get close to. Then my heart breaks and, eventually I find someone else, but I’m so guarded they either turn away or...change. It’s like once they know they have me—that I could love them—they don’t want me anymore. I guess no one has really liked me enough to stick around once the novelty wears off. Challenge over, game won, I guess.

I need to find balance. I can’t be walled up all of the time...but I also can’t let everyone in. Especially when, apparently, I have horrible judgement and I keep letting people in who are terrible house guest. They break your fine china and blame you for it.

Maybe this is apart of growing up...and when I’m older I’ll fall for a guy who likes me all the time, who likes every part of me. I’ll find someone who likes looking at me as much as he likes talking to me. Notice how I said to and not at. I’ll find someone I can have a conversation with, someone who doesn’t see me as a trophy or a blank canvas you can project ideas on. One day...one day I know I’ll find someone.

I have to. Because I’m addicted to love and being alone hurts too much.